De Vos: Thank God for Trump (column)
February 25, 2017
My wife answered the phone last night then handed it to me, saying, "It's the White House."
"No doubt," I said, expecting to find there were no problems with my credit card, they just wanted to annoy me during dinner, "Hello," I answered.
"Kellyanne Conway here. I'm calling on a Presidential outreach to rural columnists that might not be as corrupt as the lying, lamestream media. President Trump inherited a mess and got a ton of Electoral College votes but . . . where was I going with this? Oh yeah, you have a rare opportunity to serve your country."
"I'm being pranked, right? You're spoofing Kate McKinnon spoofing Kellyanne Conway. Come on, give it up, whoever you are."
"It's the real Kellyanne Conway, stupid. If you'd just shut up you could hear the FBI's wiretap running in the background."
"Uh, it sounds like you're in a bar."
"Well, it's hard to stay upbeat. Whatever. I'm calling country clods like you to see if you'll buy a story that didn't even get a whisper of coverage in the dishonest New York Times."
"Last Wednesday night, over a million minor miner mothers gathered on the South Lawn, shoulder-to-shoulder looking out over The Ellipse. I broke down and cried when one of the mothers spoke."
"Wow, it was that emotional?"
"What? No, I wasn't paying any attention to her; I'm worried about my job. Anyway, here's the lowdown. Either you print her spontaneous speech or you could see Guantanamo with the rest of the criminal media traitors. They're stopping the President from making America Great Again. So, how about it? Print the speech or a long Cuban vacation?"
"Wait . . . what were the minor miner mothers doing on the South Lawn?" I said trying to change the subject.
"They'd begged for an audience to thank him for rolling back the Stream Protection Rule."
"That's a good thing?"
"Stream protection is a job killer. If coal mines can't dump their waste and tailings on top of valleys and streams, I challenge any liberal to explain how America expects to get great again."
"Polluted rivers make us great?"
"No, it's jobs and the President is staffing up the EPA."
"They're hiring at the EPA? I thought he was shutting it down."
"Nope, he's retooled it to produce gold-plated Trump water filters that'll be on sale at http://www.alibaba.com next week. So you either include the minor miner mother's heartfelt words I wrote or wait for a loud knock on the door; your choice. Here's her speech:"
"Don't you love the President? Ain't he just the right hand of God? Rolling back the Stream Protection Rule means our kids can still grow up in the canebrakes, raised by an ol' mama lion. They can continue to grow up with one fist of iron and the other of steel. One day they'll pick up their shovels, then they'll walk to the mine just to load 16 tons of that #9 coal. Thanks to our God-given President, my boy will spend his life paying off the company store just like his daddy did before passing at 33 just like Jesus, 'cept'n Jesus didn't get Black Lung a'course."
I was stunned, "That's ridiculous."
"Hmm, good catch," Kellyanne replied, "change daddy's age to 92 and that he passed quietly in his sleep. I gotta go, but remember, Guantanamo's pretty empty right now."