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Jon de Vos: Bye-bye Brittney Spears

Jon de Vos / The Friday Report
Fraser, CO Colorado

I grew very alarmed the other day when I read that cow flatulence produces a quarter of all the methane released into our atmosphere.

Methane is the main ingredient of natural gas and burns explosively. If cows aren’t stopped, one day somebody is going to light a cigarette and blow our galaxy into the next universe.

Think of a world ended not in ice, but in one loud, methane-fueled kaboom. Bye-bye civilization, no more MasterCard, tweeting, misbehaving rock stars, chocolate or hula-hoops, gone, all gone in a tiny puff of intercosmic smoke. So many things we take for granted, winked out in the blink of an eye.

On the other hand, there’d be no more IRS, FDIC, Fannie Mae or a Congress on the cuff of the billionaires who are feasting without remorse upon the tattered remnants of the middle-class. Trust an optimist to find the silver lining in the Apocalypse.

Have you ever noticed how a seemingly innocent field of cows are almost always facing in the same direction? Why do you think this is? Wake up! While their noses are pointing one direction, guess what’s pointing the other? They are collectively producing an air-borne methane bomb wafting high overhead waiting for the slightest spark. And we’re worried about Iran and North Korea!

I have two solutions. The first is Beano Meltaways for Cows. These tasty, chewy pills contain enzymes guaranteed to prevent your cow from embarrassing you in those delicate social situations that you want to come off “just perfect.” Just imagine your pet cow seated next to your mother as you exchange vows with your beloved. You’re just at the “I do” part and your cow lets out a ripper, completely taking the edge off the moment.

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You can learn lots more from Beano’s University of Gas website: http://www.beanogas.com/UofGas.aspx. For instance, Lesson 3 is titled “How Beano is different.” You’ll also find helpful stuff and other “little gas tootorials. Unlike real columnists, I don’t make this stuff up.

I know, I know, everybody’s clamoring for a smaller, less intrusive federal presence but if the government would simply issue a cow on a trailer with each driver’s license, many problems would be solved. We’d also need a long hose to reach from the car’s fuel pump back to the, uh, posterior portion of the cow. Outfitting your cow with a small adapter is quick and easy. Make sure all the fittings are tight.

Cars run fine on methane. Methane combustion produces a little carbon dioxide and water vapor. The atmosphere grows clean, our dependence on foreign oil is ended and a threat to humankind averted forever.

When your cow is depleted, you just back up to the nearest high school kitchen where it will be rendered into pink slime for the lunch program. Then you just rustle yourself up a spare cow and head ’em out. Congress could mandate 500-mile-per-hay-bale efficiency standards.

I’m sure there are some animal-rights people turning blue about now, but there are a lot of chickens raised in a 16 inch cube and I’ll bet a couple of PETA members had eggs for breakfast this morning.

Detroit is likely already in on the idea. Rumors abound of new product lines called the Cowmero and the Taurus. The steering wheel could take on a whole new meaning.

No Bull!

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