de Vos – Resolve to gain weight, start smoking |

de Vos – Resolve to gain weight, start smoking

Jon de Vos/The Friday Report
Grand County CO Colorado

Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account. ~Oscar Wilde

The reason that New Year’s resolutions are seldom successful is because we choose things that we aren’t really inclined to do. Rather, we’re resolving to do things that someone else thinks we should do. “Yes, Dear, this is finally the year that I’m going to lose that extra 30 pounds.” Now that’s foolish. A good resolution is something you’ve always secretly wanted to do. The perfect resolution is something that you’re already doing. For instance, for 2008, I vowed to watch every one of the 450 plus American-released Vampire movies. I didn’t make it but it wasn’t for lack of trying.

By the time 2009 rolled around, despite being tantalizingly close to my goal, I wearied of the whole blood, fangs, garlic and silver bullet thing and decided to grow up and start wading into Swamp Creature movies, a rich and underappreciated film genre boasting fewer than 100 American-released movies. With my intense focus, I finished them all up mid-April but I grew bored. I vowed that 2010 would be different. In 2010, I will focus on a more worthy goal, that being, of course, Zombie Movies. The film goer’s bible,, lists a trove of more than 1,100 films to choose from. Giddyup, Netflix!

I was puzzled by my wife’s lack of enthusiasm for my goal. It was clear that if I was going to succeed, I would totally be unavailable for washing dishes or helping around the house. I explained that I was willing to make this sacrifice only in the pursuit of journalistic excellence, but she stomped out of the room when the first Zombie popped out of the red Netflix envelope.

America’s top resolution of the New Year is to lose weight. To decide if this is the right resolution for you, ask yourself one important question: If I gained ten pounds could I still buckle the seatbelt on my car?

Say, for instance, that last night you resolved in 2010 to become whippet-thin and bicycle the length of Chile after learning Spanish. I suspect it will be February before you admit there is a horrible three-way conflict between your goals, your sofa and the left side of the dessert menu. It’s also a fact that more than 90 percent of all New Year’s resolutions are broken by the end of January. In the face of such staggering odds, doesn’t it make more sense to bet against yourself?

This year try to be more realistic. Vow to remain prone as much as possible. Resolve to plant yourself on the sofa, arising only for those annoying occasions when the batteries go dead in the remote. Become a supporter of the arts and culture and go with the HBO upgrade. This is the year to pledge yourself to pigging out, gaining weight, and, whee, just letting yourself go. Odds are better than 9-to-1 that your steel resolve will rust to dust and you won’t do any better than last year. Then, when 2011 rolls around, the new buff you will thank me as you gaze at your perfect form in the mirror.

Well, I’d love to stay and play, but right now I’ve got 1,099 more movies to watch.

Jon de Vos and his pet rat, Willard, who writes this column, wish for all of us a joyful and prosperous New Year. Contact them at

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