De Vos: The real celestial event |

De Vos: The real celestial event

Jon de Vos
Friday Report
Jon DeVos

We spend billions to elect buffoons who squander billions and repay our support by pocketing still more billions. Pondering missing billions makes one bilious and every presidential tweet piles on more bile.

Once elected, our politicians morph civil service into self-service. The focus of their time and energy becomes funding their next election, out-funding the next guy, funding themselves, and sleeping with devils and interns to get it all done.

Whew! Where did all that darkness come from? But who can stand up to liars and thieves who are running this country? I can’t think about it anymore! I gotta clear my mind.

Forget the eclipse on Aug. 21, it’s the next day, Aug. 22 that really counts when it comes to celestial spectacles. Talk to angels that day. Perform a kindness. Allow someone to perform a kindness upon you; after all, Aug. 22 is officially “Be an Angel Day”!

“Whew! Where did all that darkness come from? But who can stand up to liars and thieves who are running this country? I can’t think about it anymore! I gotta clear my mind.”

“’Be an Angel Day’ inspires us to perform acts of kindness and help others,” says Jayne Howard Feldman, founder of this special day, celebrated every year since 1993. Jayne says she was personally visited by angels who asked her to set aside today to help mankind achieve a more angelic disposition. In other words, today’s a great day to slam on your brakes for no other reason than to give to that tailgater a great big hug.

Speaking of hugs, Jayne is a non-denominational preacher whose wide arms stretch to embrace not only angels, but in her blog she lists 101 ways to be a friend to tiny fairy folk who bring immense joy to her padded cell. The last 97 ways ramble a bit but the first four are clear and succinct:

1. Believe in fairies.

2. Read fairy tales from around the world.

3. Use the word “flow” in your daily dialogue. Fairies feel comfortable with people who flow with life; people who let their life force flow.

4. Be open to seeing fairies with peripheral vision (from corner of your eyes). This is fairy focus. If you notice circles of light, you are observing fairies dancing. Fairies love to swirl, whirl and twirl. (Editor’s Note: these dancing light circles may actually be LSD flashbacks promised by Richard Nixon)

Not all fairy-friendly ways are clear. For instance, No. 54 says, “Do not curse. Cursing causes fairy energy to shutter; in fact, everyone’s energy shutters at the sound of cursing.” She may have meant, ‘shudder’ unless cursing causes fairies to close their blinds.

Jayne’s belief in the existence of winged spiritual guardians is rooted in Psalm 91, verses 11 and 12 that say, “For he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways. They shall bear thee up in their hands, lest thou dash thy foot against a stone.” I guess when you Let Go, you don’t have to worry about stubbing your toe, sort of like a spiritual Air Jordan airbag.

If you’re going to base your life on one particular passage of the Bible, it follows that you probably buy into the rest. You’d think the part in 2nd Samuel 24:15 where a destroying angel wiped out a bunch of Jerusalem townies would cause one to rethink the word “angelic”.

By the way, remember the Bible tells us that it was an “angel” that killed all the first-born children in Egypt? Well, that bad dude even killed all the first-born animals, presumably right down to the first egg a chicken ever laid. How about that Isaiah 37:36 where one lone angel wiped out 185,000 Assyrians? What an angel!

Anyway, Lord, that same fellow who took out the Assyrians? Could he wail that fiery sword on the next full session of Congress? And could he get a move on before our lives are ruined by these liars and philanderers?

We ask this in your name.

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