Friday Report: 2012 Presidential Comedy Tour |

Friday Report: 2012 Presidential Comedy Tour

There is a deficit today because the 435 senators and congressmen who run this country allowed it to happen. These buffoons point fingers like windmills but if there are no jobs today, it’s because they created tax incentives for the wealthy to send all the manufacturing plants and millions of jobs out of the country. These are the same self-serving simpletons who have altered America’s tax revenue to create unprecedented numbers of new billionaires while America’s standard of living continues to worsen.

Whoa, time to lighten up. This is when the world needs Michele Bachmann. I would so vote for her, except … well, what if the Rapture came and suddenly the Oval Office was empty?

If politicians cannot be taken seriously, we might as well hold them to high entertainment standards.

The last truly hilarious politician we had in high office was Dan Quayle, George H.W. Bush’s VP, 1989-93. Dan had so many great quotes it’s hard to pick favorites. Among hundreds, here’s some random ones:

“Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.” And, “Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts.” And he predicted that, “The future will be better tomorrow.” You can’t get this stuff on Saturday Night Live.

Joe Biden’s always good for a chuckle. Besides a penchant for cursing in front of live mikes, he’s uttered such timeless wisdom as, “When the stock market crashed, Franklin D. Roosevelt got on the television and didn’t just talk about the, you know, the princes of greed. He said, ‘Look, here’s what happened.'” Sound wisdom except FDR wasn’t president during the depression and television was still in the laboratory.

Reaching back just a bit further, we find another most entertaining VP, Spiro Agnew, Nixon’s running mate. Agnew was Governor of Maryland where there was hardly a road, bridge, or public building contract awarded without bribes that wound up in Agnew’s pocket.

Nixon selected Spiro as his attack dog, able to rip, snarl and smear in a way no sitting president could. The man had a scathing way with words and used them savagely to detract from his own crimes. Here’s a few good ones: “A spirit of national masochism prevails, encouraged by an effete corps of impudent snobs who characterize themselves as intellectuals.”

Or this one: “We can afford to separate protesters from our society with no more regret than we should feel over discarding rotten apples from a barrel.”

Agnew plea-bargained corruption charges to avoid jail and paid $160,000 in back taxes, a sum he borrowed from Frank Sinatra.

Of all the current candidates, the most entertainment potential I see is in Michele Bachmann. Her ability to avoid science, common sense and reality are virtues lacking in most of the other presidential candidates. Let her tell it her own way: “If we took away the minimum wage – if conceivably it was gone – we could potentially virtually wipe out unemployment completely because we would be able to offer jobs at whatever level.”

I’m gonna have to think about that potentially virtually part.

She’d be tough on foreign policy, ” … half of Iraq, the western northern portion of Iraq is going to be called, the United, uh, uh, the, the uh, – oh, I’m sorry, I can’t remember the actual name of it now, but it’s going to be called, um, uh, the, the, uh, uh the Iraq State of Islam, something like that. And I-I’m sorry, I – I don’t have the official name, but it is meant to be the training ground for the terrorists. There’s already an agreement made; they’re going to get half of Iraq and that is going to be a – a terrorist free, – a terrorist safe haven zone.”

You can’t get this at comedy clubs either.

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