Hamilton: Compared: Nixon/Watergate vs. Obama/Spygate
Satire. Who knows what causes nightmares? In “A Christmas Carol,” Charles Dickens told one of his ghosts, “You may be an undigested bit of beef.” In my latest nightmare, the President of the United States (POTUS) called together his Attorney General, the directors of National Security, the CIA, the FBI, and some senior FBI agents for a secret, off-site meeting.
“Listen, we have a problem. Looks like the woman we need to win in November has violated the Espionage Act and some other criminal statutes. On top of that, she is a sorry candidate. So, Comey, if you want to keep your job after November, make sure your investigation of her fizzles.
“Surely, that buffoon nominated by the other party has done something wrong. Peter, when you and Jim finish dumping the e-mail investigation, I want you and Liza to work with Brennan here and with Brit intelligence to make it look like that oaf and the Russians are in cahoots. If necessary, insert come covert agents inside his campaign organization.”
“But Mr. President,” said Liza, the lawyer, “what you are ordering is illegal and unconstitutional.”
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“Yes, but I have secret polling data that our gal might lose. Extreme situations require extreme measures. And, if that clown does win, I want my appointees in the Executive Branch, the Democrats in Congress, the Republican RINOs in Congress, and the judges I appointed to make it impossible for him to carry out his cockamamie ‘make-America-great-again’ agenda.”
“So, Mr. President,” said Pete, “you are suggesting an insurance policy.”
“You got it. Now, we are going to need electronic surveillance of his campaign communications. You don’t need to tap him directly. Tap anyone in his campaign or formerly in his campaign. Clapper, you Brennan and Comey work on some way to get a FISA warrant to tap their phones. Brennan, I know the CIA isn’t supposed to work inside the USA. So, see if you can get the Brits to do some of the dirty work. If her campaign has some opposition research, give to the Brits.
“I want immunity given to any of our people who might have evidence against our candidate. I want charges, no matter how bogus, brought against anyone who came anywhere near the other campaign and I want them squeezed into giving up whatever they know about anything.”
“Mr. President,” said Comey, “we thank you for wanting to help us keep our jobs. But what is in this for you?”
“That moron is running on a platform to undo everything Valerie and I have done to this country. Especially, the things I only did with a pen and a telephone. Even worse, he is not an experienced politician and he just might make good on his campaign promises.
“Fortunately, The New York Times and The Washington Post are owned by guys who hate our opponent as much as I do. Plus, we can count on the other major media outlets to follow their story ledes. Now, get to work!”
When the alarm clock went off, I woke up in a cold sweat, grateful that we don’t live in a banana republic. Things like that nightmare could never happen here.
Nationally syndicated columnist, William Hamilton, is a laureate of the Oklahoma Journalism Hall of Fame, the Nebraska Aviation Hall of Fame, the Colorado Aviation Hall of Fame, and the Oklahoma University Army ROTC Wall of Fame. In 2015, he was named an Outstanding Alumnus of the University of Nebraska.
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