Hamilton: The candidates: Can they “gentle their condition?”
Once upon a time (you can tell this column will be an allegory), just before the Battle of Agincourt (1415 A.D.), the English King Henry V decided to look in on the 2016 battle for the American presidency. Accompanied by Generals Gloucester, Bedford, Exeter, Westmoreland (no, not that Westmoreland), and Salisbury, King Henry was told tales of Queen Hillary, the heir presumptive, who was jousting with Sir Bernie, whose creed of taking from the rich and giving “free everything” to the poor, gave Sir Bernie the mantle of a modern-day Robin Hood.
The Queen, however, was beset by “a sea of troubles,” not the least of which involved selling her office when she served as her Kingdom’s Chief Envoy and charges that she let slip the Kingdom’s most secret correspondence. Sir Bernie, who had never had a job save in government, was stuck in a time warp, reliving his honeymoon in the people’s paradise of the Soviet Union from which his mind never returned. But, despite her troubles, the Queen was prepared to slay Sir Bernie with hundreds of the Super-Knights her political party held in reserve. That’s assuming the Queen does not end up in the Tower of Club Fed.
After looking at the American Electoral College forecasts, General Westmoreland suggested the Republican candidates needed a lot more troops. Apparently, wanting more troops is a trait handed down in the Westmoreland DNA. But King Henry opined that a short-handed Republican victory would be all the more sweet. In fact, he said: “The fewer men, the greater share of honour.”
Besides, said the King, noting that the Queen’s lecherous Consort was a Vietnam-era draft-dodger, “That he which hath no stomach to this fight, let him depart; his passport be made, and crowns for convoy put into his purse; we would not die in that man’s company…”
The idea of deporting the Queen’s Consort brought to mind the candidacy of the wealthy peasant, Donald of Trump, whose battle cry is: “Deport them all, and let Allah sort them out!” Lord Salisbury drew the King’s attention to Squire Kasich who seems to be riding off in all directions, left-and-right, trying to find a King under whom he could serve.
Opposing Donald of Trump was Sir Cruzader Cruz, who claimed the bumptious Donald of Trump’s promise to build a modern-day Hadrian’s Wall would trample all ore the Magna Carta. Besides, claimed Sir Cruz, the wealthy peasant Donald of Trump, who was having his garments made in foreign lands, was giving the nouveau riche a bad name. Hearing that, King Henry decided, no matter how much of his fortune that Donald of Trump poured into his campaign, it would not be possible to “gentle his condition.”
Having heard enough American campaign rhetoric, King Henry V decided to return to northern France where the Battle of Agincourt awaited him. On the way, he worked on a speech to fire up his troops. He underlined this passage: “From this day to the ending of the world, but we in it shall be remembered. We few, we happy few, we band of brothers; for he today who sheds his blood with me shall be my brother…” (Although outnumbered five-to-one, the Brits won.)
Nationally syndicated columnist, William Hamilton, is a laureate of the Oklahoma Journalism Hall of Fame, the Colorado Aviation Hall of Fame, the Oklahoma University Army ROTC Wall of Fame, and is a recipient of the University of Nebraska 2015 Alumni Achievement Award. He was educated at the University of Oklahoma, the Army Language School, the George Washington University, the Infantry School, the U.S Nail War College, the University of Nebraska, and Harvard University.
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