Health care reeks of ham and bacon |

Health care reeks of ham and bacon

Aschulee Thomas
Middle Park High School senior
Grand County, Colorado

In light of recent news that the virus known as “Swine Flu” has spread to Colorado, The Open Book has taken it upon themselves to educate the citizens of Granby on signs, symptoms, and treatment.

The signs and symptoms of Swine Flu are easy enough to detect, they include:

o Smelling and tasting of pork products

o An uncontrollable urge to roll in festering feces and mud

o Oinking fits, lasting anywhere from 2 minutes up to 13 hours.

o The desire to consume your young if placed under great amounts of stress.

While the virus is still being spread from person to person, Kansas scientists discovered late last week that a treatment for the swine flu does in fact exist. The medicinal answer to combating Swine Flu involves a series of injections of bacon grease to the thigh or buttocks. While the treatment is in itself very effective in stopping the progression of the virus, it is not without risks. Therapy users should know that there is a high risk of heart attack, stroke, and unsightly weight gain associated with the flu shot, users are advised to inject mass quantities of the vaccine twice daily for three days, rather than over a longer period of time to ensure immediate relief of symptoms.