Opinion | Hamilton: World War II: Was “V” our secret weapon?
Satire. Location: Sam Houston Institute of Technology, Brownwater, Texas. Today, we look in on a lecture by Professor Ima Stoner on the subject of : “How to Save Planet Earth from Climate Change.”
“Good morning, students. In preparation for this lecture, I am hopeful all of you read your assigned reading: ‘The Green New Deal,’ by freshman Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.
“Actually, her proposal is too complex for me to deal with in a single lecture so, for now, I will limit my remarks to the subject of methane gas being emitted into the atmosphere.
“Science tells us there are several sources of the methane gas that is polluting our atmosphere. Actually, we are not sure if the methane gas will result in a thick cloud layer between Earth and the Sun, causing the return of the Ice Age or the methane layer will cause Earth’s temperature to rise, melting both polar ice caps and placing our entire coastline underwater. Either way, methane gas is bad. And it smells really, really horrible.
“For you students who eat the flesh of other animals, you need to know that farm animals are a major source of methane gas; especially, female-bovine-flatulence. Not to be confused with male-bovine-excreta, also known as BS, which is another matter, entirely.
“Under the ‘New Green Deal,’ almost all farm animals in America might be exterminated. But wait. There is an alternative. If every farm animal can be given a high daily dosage of certain bacteria, known as pro-biotics, there is the possibility of a reduction in the amount of flatulence that they produce.
“Consequently, a branch of the Animal Welfare League is being formed called the National Organization For Animal Humane Remedial Treatment (NOFAHRT). It will be staffed with volunteers who will give America’s farm animals their daily dose of pro-biotic bacteria. Therefore, if you wish to continue to eat meat, you might want to volunteer.
“I know many of you are Vegans, as am I. And I know many of us thought that getting rid of methane-producing animals would solve this problem. Unfortunately, as Pogo famously said, ‘We has met the enemy and he is us.’
“We Vegans must confront the fact that Vegans emit large amounts of methane gas in the form of flatulence. Our diet, consisting largely of beans and legumes, is the problem. By contrast, meat eaters produce relatively little methane gas because meat contains alpha galactosidase which inhibits the oliosaccharides that produce flatulence.
“I know this subject may be uncomfortable for some of you; however, it might be of some comfort to know that some famous Vegans have also suffered from flatulence.
“For example, you military history majors may recall Adolf Hitler was a Vegan who suffered from virtually uncontrollable flatulence which was so voluminous that his more experienced staff officers would try to find ways not to attend Hitler’s war-planning briefings.
“Consequently, Hitler’s flatulence often deprived him of the military wisdom he needed to win World War II. So, when Winston Churchill winked at the camera and held up two fingers in a ‘V’ for Victory sign, maybe he was actually revealing one of World War II’s great secrets: ‘V’ stood for Vegan.
Nationally syndicated columnist, William Hamilton, is a laureate of the Oklahoma Military Hall of Fame, the Oklahoma Journalism Hall of Fame, the Nebraska Aviation Hall of Fame, the Colorado Aviation Hall of Fame, and the Oklahoma University Army ROTC Wall of Fame. Dr. Hamilton is the author of The Wit and Wisdom of William Hamilton: the Sage of Sheepdog Hill, Pegasus Imprimis Press (2017). “Central View,” can also be seen at: http://www.central-view.com.
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