The Friday Report: Tom Tancredo, a man for no reasons |

The Friday Report: Tom Tancredo, a man for no reasons

J. LEWIS / The Friday Report
Winter Park, CO Colorado

Interestingly enough, the online Denver Post carried Tom Tancredo’s announcement that he was running for Colorado governor, right above a big Internet ad banner that read, “HOW TO BANISH SNORING IN YOUR BEDROOM!”

Tom Tancredo thinks, er, knows, that he is the sole savior of the Republican Party. Tom, according to Tom, is the only candidate left standing with good odds of kicking Hickenlooper’s donkey. Plus, everybody likes Tom.

He states proudly that he’s gotten over a hundred email requests to run for the top spot in the state. I personally have always had a warm spot in my file cabinet for Tom, counting on him for those sure-fire Man Bites Dog stories a couple of times a month. But then, I still mourn Dan Quayle’s retirement. Same reason.

Just a couple of days ago Tom gave history another slap of its own medicine in The Washington Times, giving his personal spin on what the president means when he uses the word, “change.” Tom Tancredo said, “This is the utopian, or rather dystopian, reverie of a dedicated Marxist – a dedicated Marxist who lives in the White House.”

I try hard to honor the dignity of the English language and feel compelled to point out to Tom that one of the first definitions of “dystopia” is that of “an imaginary bad place.” In Tom’s case, it’s a dark alley where drug mules leap out at you demanding hospitalization.

His fierce intensity scares the Dickens out of me and reminds me a lot of his fellow ticket-dividing eccentric, Ralph Nader. As they age, they look more and more alike. Have you ever noticed, in pictures of both Nader and Tancredo, how their eyes follow you around the room?

Democrats have got to be clapping like seals in a school of haddock for Tom throwing his hat in the ring, a spoiler a la Nader. Both Nader and Tancredo share that haunted, wild-eyed look, gazing slightly edgewise into a distance only they can see. Tancredo is haunted by teeming hoards of illegal strawberry pickers, while Nader was haunted by the exploding Pintos they rode in on.

Bitter Democrats have for years harbored a grudge against Nader for splitting the 2000 Gore vote, handing the election to the First Bush. Bitter Colorado Republicans may be hating Tancredo for the next decade for splitting the 2010 McInnis vote, handing the keys to the Governor’s Mansion to Hickenlooper. Hah! As if anybody who’s ever made a penny off their writing skills would ever vote for McInnis anyway.

Have you noticed that Al Franken has become a serious politician? On YouTube he’s able to draw a detailed map of the United States in just a few minutes. You say, “So what?” Well, it’s a darn sight better trick than selling Senate seats or plucking some Argentinian daffodil on the Appalachian Trail.

I’m not sure if it’s an example of upward or downwards Darwinism, but to me, politicians are more and more resembling stand-up comedians just as stand-up comedy takes a snarling turn toward reality.

Rumors are rampant regarding a Tancredo/Palin ticket in November a couple of years from now. If Sarah and Tom start gearing up for Obama’s second term, we know one thing is certain: The Mayans have been correct all along about that 2012 End Of The World thingie.

Well, assuming it happens on a slow news day.