Riddell: The latest and the greatest
A Zoomer’s Unique View of Grand County
This time of year can often be very frustrating for even the most dedicated of Zoomer Boomers. The vagaries of the weather with the associated restrictions on activities can sometimes combine to darken even the sunniest of dispositions. Good news, however-there is a tried and true antidote for this condition!
It is not by chance that the manufacturers of sporting goods choose this shoulder season to introduce their latest and greatest wares for the upcoming year. Trade shows and sport specific magazines capitalize on this anticipated malaise and draw your attention to just how much better you could be by just spending a few extra bucks. For the antsy Zoomer, this is pure music to hearing aided ears.
Perhaps one of the most interesting categories to peruse is the world of bicycle accessories. If ever there was a doubt about the volume of ingenuity and creativity in today’s world, one has only to see the plethora of performance and enjoyment enhancing devices now being offered to both road and mountain cyclists.
Significant advances have been made to very common and simple devices that can have profound effect on riding results. Take the simple bike pump. Using a proprietary process, some newer pumps have the capability to discharge a helium blend into the tire. This results in a lighter-than-air tire virtually assuring a quicker and less stressful ascent for any mountain bike rider. Similar advances have the actual frame tubes of some bikes being charged with pure oxygen. By using a simple mouthpiece, riders can access this oxygen and obtain an energy burst similar to football players taking in oxygen on the sidelines. Cutting edge apparel is also front and center. The lowly sock is now being manufactured to take the place of an energy bar. A proprietary blend combined with bamboo fillers allow socks to be eaten providing nutrients in an emergency situation. New helmets are being designed with a lining of water designed to cushion any impact. To facilitate sock digestion, it is recommended that the energy bar replacement socks be worn only in conjunction with the new water-storing helmets.
Last but certainly not least is the new and significantly enhanced roof and/or trunk mounting systems for both bicycles and kayaks. Using proprietary magnet-enhancing technology found in deep sea salvage operations, these racks mount firmly to any metal surface simply by plugging them into any automobile 12-volt system. As an added benefit, these racks come with de-icing capability, cell-phone antenna options, global positioning, and a pizza cutting bottle opener. Please do be aware, however, that any type of computer storage medium as well as credit cards may be permanently damaged from exposure to strong magnetic fields. In addition, Zoomers would do well to note the impact this magnetic field might have on implanted devices such as pace makers. One final caution, driving past construction sites or any area where scrap metal is present can result in that metal being temporarily attached to your vehicle. Simply unplugging the rack, however, will allow for the prompt removal of the debris.
Now before you decide to rush out and buy any of these enjoyment enhancing devices please note the following. This column is written solely as an homage to the very first day of April, aka April Fool’s Day, and the content herein should be viewed as such.
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