De Vos column: Guerrillas in the midst |

De Vos column: Guerrillas in the midst

Jon DeVos

If you’re not worried about immigrants, just maybe you should be. They’re here, you know, right here in Grand County. And these are not just ordinary immigrants, but convicted terrorists from an unfriendly Kingdom. And in some kind of bizarre, hare-brained experiment, our local officials are allowing these extremists to roam free among us. I suppose they figure that once these bad guys taste the glorious, carefree lifestyle we all enjoy, they will somehow become rehabilitated and begin to act in a civilized manner. Anyone without extensive terrorist experience knows this to be absolute, utter nonsense. And, to make matters worse, these dangerous characters will be monitored by tracking devices that will only report nefarious activity after the fact.

It’s an obvious case of too little, too late. Our local government has done too little to protect us and acted too late in a crisis. The terrorists are already here in our midst. Fortunately they can be readily identified because they are unkempt, dark and swarthy and, if seen in time, can possibly be avoided without incident. Never, under any circumstances, should you invite one into your house. And if you should come home one day to find one standing in your living room, best to call the sheriff immediately.

Lest anyone misunderstand, I’m referring to the recent terrorist moose attacks in Breckenridge where these beastly animals dared to chase money-paying tourists up and down the ski trails. Many spring breakers were surprised to find it so easy to ski up black diamonds with a half-ton moose in hot pursuit.

Such behavior could not be tolerated in the Kingdom of Breckenridge. The interlopers were subjected to extraordinary rendition and the decision was made that they were to be deported in a matter of hours.

Today it’s three terrorist moose but without a wall what’s to stop them from sending us violent, repeat-offending ptarmigan or America-hating whistle pigs?

But where to? After a meeting to which no journalist I know was invited, an overly-hasty decision was made to dump them in Grand County. Give us your tired, your poor, your yearning to be trampled . . .

This is intolerable. We cannot become the Guantanamo of Colorado and we must not become an extremist dumping ground. The obvious solution is a wall. We’ll follow our President’s lead and build a wall to prevent the Kingdom and the other surrounding counties from threatening our sovereignty. These known jihadists are but the tip of the spear pointed at a floodgate of clichés.

Today it’s three terrorist moose but without a wall what’s to stop them from sending us violent, repeat-offending ptarmigan or America-hating whistle pigs? The perimeter of Grand County is roughly 172 miles. If fencing our international border is going to cost Mexico 16 million dollars per mile, then our fence would cost surrounding counties a mere 2.75 billion dollars, chump change they could dig from the sofa cushions of their McMansions and tract-castles.

I hope the terrorists were released around Grand Lake because there they would quickly assimilate and become indistinguishable from the rest of the angry, disgruntled residents . . . uh, wait, I mean the resident moose, of course.

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