DeVos: Crazy little women there |

DeVos: Crazy little women there

Jon DeVos
Staff Photo |

My wife looked up from a text on her phone, “Hmm,” she said, “it looks like we’ll be going to Kansas City in July.”

“Why?” Oddly enough, the word ‘why’ starts just like the word ‘whine’ which is how it came out.

“It’s a family wedding, Stephanie’s getting married.”

“Do I know her?”

My wife looked at me like a museum curiosity, “My nephew Mike’s kid, remember? She and her fiancé stayed here for a week last summer and you’ve seen her once or twice a year for the last 24 years.”

“Heck, if we’re seeing her that often then she probably won’t miss us at the wedding. We could send her a Sunbeam Programmable Breadmaker. It comes with recipes. Brides love them. It can make over 48 pounds of bread in a single day.”

“No,” she said, “you are not dragging that bread maker out of storage again. It was stupid 10 years ago when you bought it and you’re not palming it off on Stephanie. And speaking of the wedding, you’ll need a nice new outfit.”

“I have a nice outfit.”

“What you have is a nice tie. You’ll need a few things to go with it.”

“Well, it sounds like you know exactly what I will be wearing, so I guess I don’t need to go shopping with you.”

Oh, you don’t need to go of your own free will; I’m sure the clerk can measure a corpse but either a wedding or a funeral, you’re getting a new outfit.”

“Can’t I just wear jeans and sit in the back?”

“Of course . . . not.”

“Can we go by Amtrak?”

“Amtrak doesn’t go to Kansas City.”

“No kidding? Who knew?”

Two weeks passed blissfully and quickly without mention of the pending nuptials, until breakfast chit-chat was shattered with a brutal announcement, “Within the next few weeks we should go to Denver and get you a new outfit for the wedding.”

“I like my old outfit,” I said.

“I did too, until you outgrew it. But the clincher was the big hole your parrot chewed in the collar. Plus, and I don’t know if I should share this with you, but plaid sports coats won’t be back in fashion for hopefully another 40 years. Which Denver mall would you rather start at?”

“Well, when it comes to shopping at Denver malls, I’d rather crawl across broken glass. If you’re really going to force me to abandon my principles, I’ll bet I could find something nice at the Army-Navy Surplus. There’s a real good one on South Broadway.”

“Right in the middle of all those dispensaries, I’ll bet.”

“Hey, clothes shopping can be painful!”

“You are not wearing camouflage fatigues to the wedding and that’s final,” she said. “I don’t want you embarrassing me in front of all the Missouri relatives again.”

“You keep bringing that up. I said I was sorry and offered to pay their deductible. Who even knew homemade fireworks could do that? At least nobody went to the hospital.”

“No thanks to you.”

“Can we at least find out what they’re serving at the reception before deciding to go?”

I’m gonna love my new outfit.

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