DeVos: They wouldn’t, would they? |

DeVos: They wouldn’t, would they?

Jon DeVos
Staff Photo |

The cost of the 2016 election may top $5 billion. Wow, even saying it slow, five-thousand-million dollars is a bunch of money to throw away on yard signs. Why it might even be enough to finish off the VA hospital in Aurora.

But it seems to me there’s a more transparent way to get to where we’re headed. Why not just auction off public officials to the highest bidder? Of course I know that’s exactly what we’re doing now, but the money is being frittered away on endless bombast and scripted talking points about how ungodly foul and despicable each other’s America-hating opponents are.

With my plan, the only cost for the 2016 general election would be a big tent on the south lawn, a few rental chairs and a couple of hours with a stock show auctioneer. We’d also need to round up some cowhands. Best of all, the whole thing could be wrapped up in a two-hour TV special that might fetch a few bucks itself. Televising the auction would also provide instant replays to assist Supreme Court decisions if the bidding got too close to call.

Current election methods convert money into hot air. An auction would free up all that cash to do public things like fix highways and bridges and correct the dangerous pedestrian traffic condition on Grand County Road 804.

Incidentally, since I brought it up, if you too are concerned that the county is giving no thought to pedestrian safety on this dangerous stretch of road, please express your dismay to our Commissioner James Newberry at: Please share your distress with others who would also like to see this error corrected before it’s cast in James’ asphalt.

So anyway, the cowhands would prod the political wannabee’s out onto a stage where the auctioneer would pull back their lips so bidding billionaires and superpac donors could check the candidate’s teeth. Once satisfied, they’d return to their publicly funded rental chairs and bid discretely on their choice of office. Winners would be assured of a massive return on their investment once their purchased mannequin is seated in the Senate or the oval office.

Whole cost to the nation? About $3,280 unless we went with padded chairs for $316 extra. Revenue from the auction? Well, about $5 billion.

Political hopefuls that didn’t get a winning bid could be humanely repurposed by the pet food industry, further fattening America’s coffers and collies alike.

Nowadays, politicians try to get us to vote not because they have a plan, not because of what they’ve accomplished or even what they plan to do, but because their opponent, while outwardly appearing human, is actually a disease-ridden insect. If they swear nothing but the truth, and each declares that the other is a slime-dribbling roach, doesn’t that mean they both are? Perhaps the way to clean up our political mess is to rethink the ban on DDT.

What’s that? Well, yeah, I guess I am a little down on our elected officials right now. It’s frustrating that something so obvious to me as ensuring public safety on CR 804 should be such an alien concept to the engineers, managers, commissioners and planners involved. If I added up the hourly rate of all the paid officials in the meeting presenting the plan, it wouldn’t take long to afford an escalator up and down the hill.

Next Week: Why my property taxes went up 1,200 percent.

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