Good to the last dropped cap
I hope you can contain your looks of disbelief when I tell you that I have actually been paid for writing in the Manifest. My first column appeared in the very first issue of the Manifest back in 1978, and here I am in the final issue of the Manifest 2007. Full circle.I tried to make my invoices funny on the theory that happy people write bigger checks. I’ve clipped the text from several invoices I’ve sent over the years that had two recurring themes.The first theme was the Christmas Party. The other theme was the fictitious flirtation with my contemporary columnist, Martha Williams. I have no idea if Marty ever read any of them. Sue Hardy was the office manager who rolled her eyes whenever she saw me coming. Sept. 26, 1995Dear Sue,It was Dorothy Parker who said, Candy is Dandy but Liquor is Quicker. So I need three hundred bucks and some advice from an obvious woman of the world. Do you think I would have more luck with Martha Williams with three bottles of Dom Perignon or a hundred-and-six half-pints of MD 20-20?Sept. 23, 1996I’ve cleared away all my appointments for December so I’ll be ready for the Christmas party. My problem is that I never did get my tuxedo bottoms back after the last one. I remember using them to sop up the last few cups of punch in the bottom of the bowl and offering them to Marty, shouting politely, Hey, Baby, suck my pants!Then I guess she snuck up behind me and reset my clock with that empty champagne bottle. I hardly remember the helicopter ride, or even the fire, for that matter. Anyway, tell Pat my schedule’s open and if you see Marty, ask her if I can get my pants back. Tell her I hope there’s no hard feelings.Jan. 2, 2004I can’t believe that none of you losers came to the Christmas Party. I had a wonderful time even if I was the only one there, dancing on the tables and rollicking like a teenager. Whew, what a night.I just looked over the bill before Dino sends it on to you. At first glance, $132,976.83 may seem like a lot, but when you factor in all the time spent by the Fire Department and Search and Rescue, it’s actually quite reasonable.June 4, 1996Let me see if I got this straight. On odd Tuesdays, the Manifest will come out in Kremmling and Grand Lake disguised as the Daily, while on all days that contain the letter R, the Daily will come out as the Sky High in Parshall, Tabernash, and Granby except for Granby Jones and the Airport Vista Subdivision. That’s all pretty straightforward.Where I get confused is on Monday when the Sky High comes out as the Manifest in Heeney and Fraser or as the Daily west of Red Dirt Hill and the left side of Cottonwood Pass. So does this mean that the classified deadlines for the Daily will be noon on Sunday except when the Sky High comes out as the Manifest north of Coffey Divide?My big problem is what happens on Wednesday when the Daily becomes the Manifest assuming that the Sky High hasn’t come out first? If, on the other hand, the Daily came out after the Sky High in Granby under the name of the Manifest would this change the deadline for the following Thursday and Saturday?Well, I’m sure I’ll figure it all out. Meanwhile MW continues to spurn my telepathic impulses where I want to thrash with her in the Commander Cody mosh pit when he comes to Mishawaka Amphitheater on September first. Her, me, and A&W Root Beer Shooters all night long. Ooooh Baby, I can see it now . . .June 4, 1997COOKED GOOSE…That’s my choice for entree for the belated Christmas Party. Since Tiny Tim died last month, I’m sure SCROOGE has the insurance money to spring for one lousy party. On his deathbed the little tike looked up at me and said, Jon, (gasp) it doesn’t look like I’m gonna make it to The Christmas Party. Would you (gasp, gurgle, gasp) give Martha my goose? Imagine Martha’s surprise.Nov. 19, 1995Dear Sue:If I promise I won’t throw my pants in the punch bowl again this year, can I please come to the Manifest Christmas party? I swear, Martha dared me to set them on fire. And, uh, I also need $250 for new Holiday pants and party favors.Jan. 22, 1999Boy! That was a Christmas Party I’ll never remember. I still can’t figure out how Patrick’s long PJ bottoms came to be stuffed in that officer’s tailpipe. Besides, who puts their name on pajamas nowadays anyhow?Aug. 1, 2002I’ve been writing for this paper so long that I was actually there the day that the Hi got put in the Sky-Hi News. Bill Johnson didn’t always wear that tie, you know.Aug. 20, 2007I can’t wait, maybe the new owners will invite me to dine with them on the corporate yacht. Maybe a Christmas party, maybe a raise . . . perchance to dream.March 18, 2003Despite vowing to use my powers only for good, I have a picture of Bill Johnson wearing a thong that I lifted off the Internet. At least it’s his head with Pamela Anderson’s body. Here’s the really weird part, I find him strangely attractive.From: James Dobson, June 8, 2005I just heard from Mark Felt in a dark garage that Jon de Vos is actually Spongebob Squarepants. It disgusts me that a paper of such high moral fiber as the Manifest ran the following columns written by some guy who holds hands with homosexual starfish. I mean, in a relationship like that, who does what with what to whom? I hope you sanitized the keyboard after he was done. Dec. 13, 2006I’m just back from Liverpool, shopping for my ensemble for the 2006 Manifest Christmas Party. For a small fortune, I bought a stage costume of glam rock star, Mott the Hoople. I’m so excited. It’s the one he wore during an October 1972 Bristol concert where they introduced the smash hit, All The Young Dudes Carry The ‘Ludes’. Of course it’s a little tight in the thong but what the heck. We’ll be fishing glitter out of the punch bowl this year.From: Condoleeza Rice, Jan. 19, 2005What a hell of a Christmas Party you liberal elite wimps throw. I’m still digging confetti out of my shorts. Tell Bill Johnson to send me ten million in small unmarked currency and I’ll send him the photos. Otherwise, tell him he can look for them in The Inquirer.Jan. 28, 1998Wow. Bill Johnson’s wife is hot. At least I thought it was his wife, what with that bridal veil and all. How come everyone at the Manifest Christmas party was dressed like a wedding? How come it was in a church? I guess you overlooked sending me an invitation but when I drove by and saw the crowd, I thought, Well, what else could it be but the Manifest Party? Good thing I stopped by or I would’ve missed it even though I hardly knew anybody. Great hors d’oeuvres.Well, enough’s enough. I’ve enjoyed my time with the Manifest and all the odd people who’ve passed through its pages. I’ll be part of the new paper, somewhere, as, Phoenix-like, the new format emerges.So, let me see if I’ve got this right, if I want a subscription to the Thursday paper and live west of the Val Moritz subdivision, does that mean . . .
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