Jon de Vos: Better dead than read! |

Jon de Vos: Better dead than read!

Jon de Vos / The Friday Report
Fraser, CO Colorado

It’s getting close to Christmas and I’ve been thinking a lot about the word “bah.”

It’s the sound a lamb makes. Webster says it’s also an expression of contempt, as in bah, humbug. Webster adds that humbug is a spirit or attitude of deception and pretense.

In general, it’s a mean thing to say about Christmas, but then, Scrooge is the dark side of every man. But even post-Marley Scrooge couldn’t stomach the modern Christmas newsletter from distant relatives.

My thoughts are parenthetical.

The Gotrock’s visit to The Continent helped shore up the European Union this fall (Purse snatchers). Our prints from the trip aren’t even back from getting developed (Muggers got the digital camcorder). We spent several weeks off the beaten paths, (Wandered away from the tour) introducing the kids to the ‘real’ Europe (Don’t do that again, that is not a drinking fountain), learning the local customs (Tipped a Greek waiter 268 dollars), and just getting away from it all (Lost). No phones, no fax (Hopelessly lost), just meeting people with ancient heritages (Skinheads) and interesting customs (Biting the heads off chickens). Travel so broadens the children (Tongue stud – purple spiked hair). But, you know, after seeing the rest of the world (You could have stayed), it just makes one appreciate how lucky we Americans really are (Until opening the mail).

Margaret continues to stay active in her charity work (Daytime hooker), while private pursuits have cut down my days in the Boardroom (Cirrhosis). I’ve stepped back from the busy pace of commerce (Awaiting indictment), and looking forward to a slower pace of life (Minimum security, state pen). Merry Christmas, Everyone! Best wishes for the coming 3 to 5 years! (Possibly only 2 years, with good behavior)”

Here’s another example:

“Well, it’s hard to believe a whole year has gone by (Didn’t Santa bring a calendar?) since we last said hello (How did you get my new address?). Not much happened during the past year (Use your Christmas Club savings to buy a life) except we finally got the house painted (And watched it dry). Young George finally got that vacuum cleaner repair job in Tupelo that we were praying for (Praises be!), but he still found the time to come home for Thanksgiving (Turkey!). Big George finally had that surgery he’s been putting off (Hemorrhoids). That’s what comes of sitting on a leather recliner all those years. The family is fine but there’s getting to be too many grandchildren to count (Ran out of fingers). Our new kitty, Tinkerbell, keeps using the sofa for a scratching post. What’s a person to do? (Twist his little head around three times.) I guess I will close for now (Hallelujah!). We look forward to hearing from you (the instant I rouse from my coma, I will shout out your name!). And you never know, we just might drop by if we’re in your neck of the woods (And we’ll leave the light off).”

The most thankful thing about Christmas is that Jesus was an only child.

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