Jon de Vos: The smell of one arm flapping
Fraser, CO Colorado
Somebody’s lost it and I don’t think it’s me.
Old Spice has twenty different scents of men’s underarm deodorants. It’s tedious, but I will list them. There are two called Classic: Classic Original and Classic Fresh. Then we have Arctic Force, a non-classic simple Fresh, Playmaker, non-classic Original, Pacific Surge, Pure Sport (as opposed to Impure Sport?), Smooth Blast, Game Day, Denali, Komodo (for days you want to smell like a dragon), Cyprus, Fiji, Matterhorn, Aqua Reef, After Hours, a second Pure Sport, Showtime and the grand finale, Swagger.
I know what you’re thinking: What the heck does Matterhorn smell like? To jump-start your lazy imagination, Old Spice has added descriptions on the cap letting the ignorant know that Matterhorn smells like Ice, Wind, and Freedom. I read it twice. None of those words are adjectives. You smell nice? OK. You smell like wind? That’s stupid. What if you’re near a barnyard?
So then, what does Old Spice’s Denali scent smell like? Again reading directly from the cap, Denali “smells like Wilderness, Open Air, and Freedom. How’s that? Both Denali and Matterhorn smell like Freedom? But checking other Old Spice deodorant lids, Fiji, Komodo and Cyprus all smell like Freedom, too. Curious.
I guess that, around the Old Spice factory, Freedom’s just another word for nothin’ left to describe stinky armpits.
Let’s go to women’s deodorant scents because here’s where it really gets peculiar. It’s no secret that Secret keeps secret what unperfumed women’s armpits smell like. Secret offers “clinical strength” deodorants in scents like Ooh-la-la Lavender and Fresh Water Orchid. Regular strength Secret comes in Cherry Mischief, a smell described as a “mix of naughty and spice.” Perhaps your nose runs to Truth or Pear, an odor described as “Daring.” Or Love Me Some Lily, which, according to Secret, smells “Fab.”
Dove is the manufacturer of deodorants for women who require “clinical protection.” If you’re going out with a girl who needs it, maybe you need the clinical protection of a clothespin on the nose.
Among Dove’s array of scents was one called “Revive.” I can see it now: “Dad, dad, come quick, grannie’s not waking up!”
“Oh, no, not again! Quick, run up to her bathroom and grab her Revive deodorant!”
No sense of scent would be complete without discussing Axe deodorants, probably the high-water mark of hyperbole when it comes to tying sex and good-smelling armpits. “Excite” the scent, according to Axe copy writers, “will have your angel falling at the first encounter.” Axe “Kilo” (where do they get these names) used every day will make you “become the rugged and mysterious guy she’d do just about anything to touch.” “Clix” is Axe’s smell is for that “special moment between you and hottie.” All this from an armpit spray?
If thinking about hotties leaves you drenched with sweat, you may consider the extra “protection” of an antiperspirant. Almost all antiperspirants use aluminum salts among their active ingredients. The salts dissolve and form a gel that plugs up the pores so the sweat never makes it to the surface. They even contain perfume to cover up the sweat you’re not having.
Some scientists are concerned that the aluminum salts in antiperspirants may be linked to Alzheimer’s. I doubt it, but I forgot their names before I could look into it, then I decided to have some ice cream.
Other scientists pooh-pooh the idea of linking aluminum with Alzheimer’s, pointing out that aluminum is the third most abundant element in the earth’s crust. We drink it in our water and breathe it in our air.
If aluminum were the culprit, we’d never remember which scent our hottie liked.
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