Jon de Vos: Up with people |

Jon de Vos: Up with people

A friend asked me about Viagra and, of course, I knew nothing about it, but I promised him I’d look into it.

“. . . and each pill costs about 10 dollars,” I reported back to him later. My friend scrunched his face and sputtered, “But I . . . I’ve never paid for it in my life,” he said. His complaint gave rise to an idea. Pfizer Inc., Viagra’s manufacturer, is making billions of dollars with the most sought after male ego-booster since the Stetson. But, oh, that price! Take heart, I’ve found a solution. I have been spending long hours in my lab-OR-a-tory, searching for a less expensive wonder drug to help impotent men. My wife refers to my lab-OR-a-tory as either the “spare bedroom” or her “sewing room,” but she lacks my vision.

Leaping from the shower the other morning, I dried off and began ironing the shirt I intended to wear. For the next part of this column, it’s important to understand that I was completely buck . . . well, this being a family paper and all, let’s just say I was in the “altogether” and leave it at that. I should mention that I have always had a “thing” for stiff collars on shirts so I starch them heavily. I was so focused on not burning anything important, that I failed to notice the arrow on the nozzle of the can of Niagra spray starch was pointed directly towards me, somewhere below mid-level. I pressed the trigger, thoroughly starching myself square in the . . . well, here we are again, lets just say I sprayed myself in the ‘nethers’.

Whoa! Doggone if things didn’t stiffen right up, just like they promised on the back of the can. I sought to get a grip on my excitement, thinking to myself, “In many ways, this is a lot bigger than the accidental discovery of vulcanized rubber.”

So, I’ve been buying up Niagra Spray Starch stock before news of my discovery hits the streets. I figure by this time next year, I’ll be able to buy Bill Gates. How’s that for jerking yourself up by the bootstraps? The success of male-enhancing therapies could be just the thing to get men back into tiny red sports cars, and out of giant


At present sales, Viagra will soon be the most-prescribed drug in America, surpassing even the ubiquitous Prozac. Pfizer Inc., has its fingers in many pots. It seems to have found a sweet spot in the market as sales spurt off the charts. Viagra is a rock-solid pharmaceutical success, with the ability to go the distance in these slippery times, where everyone is scrambling for position. But what if there were a less expensive option?

One hundred and twenty applications of Viagra costs $1,200. One hundred and twenty applications of Niagra costs three dollars and forty-nine cents, call it three even, if you clip out the coupon from Sunday’s newspaper.

Niagra is instant-acting. Guys are hunters. Who wants to hang out for an hour, twiddling their . . . well, thumbs? With Niagra we can be done with business and back on the couch watching the big game 58 minutes earlier with eleven hundred and ninety-seven bucks safely in our pocket! Politicians are worried that Pfizer is creating a monopoly on the drug. When polled, several congressmen stood erect in support of appointing an independent prosecutor to mount a federal anti-thrust, er, anti-trust investigation.

Frugal gentlemen will choose Niagra as the low-price alternative to a crisp look and professional finish.

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