Jon de Vos: Who let the dogs in? |

Jon de Vos: Who let the dogs in?

Jon de Vos / The Friday Report
Winter Park, CO Colorado

Last Sunday I was augered into the sofa, resting as God intended, when my basset hound, Freeta, grappled her way up on top of me, shoving a paper in my face, “What now?” I said, “It’s been two hours since your breakfast and it’s five hours until dinner. Get off me!” Her cohort, a 30 pound Golden Licker named Cuervo, sat on the floor trying to control an anxious tail quiver.

“Just look at this!” the basset growled, wagging the paper furiously, “Another example of corporate greed stomping on the hearts and hopes of the helpless.”

“You being one of the helpless, I presume. By the way, GET OFF ME!” I yelled as I pushed her corpulent butt down to the other end of the sofa. I grabbed the paper out of her paw. It was a recent piece from NPR online where the author claimed it was OK to feed your dogs table scraps.

I looked her in the eyes, set back quite a ways along her formidable snout, “So, Miss Helpless, what’s this article got to do with corporate greed?”

“It’s proof that you should buy me and Cuervo a small refrigerator for Christmas.”

“OK, now I’m confused.”

“Leftovers make dogs sick because we have to wolf them down all at once. We simply have no sanitary place to keep food safely. Our own fridge would allow us to parcel them out at a leisurely pace and we wouldn’t have to eat them, right then, right there. A mini-fridge right behind my bed makes a lot of sense when it comes to safe, convenient and healthy snacking.”

“I’m supposed to spend a couple hundred bucks so you and Cuervo can party all night?”

“Nope, ninety bucks at Costco and I cut out a coupon for free shipping.”

“I’m still not feeling the corporate greed,” I said.

“Where’d you hear it was bad to feed me table scraps?”

“I dunno,” I said, “it’s conventional wisdom. You read it all the time, ask anybody, table scraps make a dog sick.”

She shook her head pitifully, “You poor numbskull, the internet is full of tales of broken marriages because some insensitive clod fed his wife’s Shi-Tzu buttered popcorn and it blew a gasket all over the priceless oriental rug, right?”

“Well, yeah, that’s pretty much my point.”

“Those are totally bogus stories, made up by pet food manufacturers to make people feel guilty unless they’re feeding that particular brand of “specially formulated” chow. A hundred years ago we got by on “specially formulated” rabbit guts. Anti-table scrap propaganda is pushed out by dog food corporate wonks who live with cats. Think about it. What kind of monster would throw perfectly good food down the disposal instead of feeding it to the starving dog?”

“You don’t exactly look like you’re starving.”

“It was just an example!” she barked, “Look at you. You just finished a huge Thanksgiving dinner. What did the Cuervo and I get? I’ll tell you, nothing, not one single handout from you.”

The mutt on the floor looked off into the distance as I said, “One of the guests took a picture of Cuervo, looking like a ballerina on tiptoe, nose-deep in the appetizers, pulling garlic chicken wings off the table. It looked like the two of you accounted for about half of them.”

“Let’s not get into any of that he-said, she-said stuff. Photos can be faked. What else you got?”

“Well, it’s a fact that dogs who get attached to human food are more likely to get into garbage.”

“Thereby reducing your trash bill,” she replied, “Get to the downside. For me, eating table scraps is like having you as my personal food taster.”

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