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Jon de Vos – Wild salmon road kill dinners

Jon de Vos / The Friday Report
Winter Park, CO Colorado

I wish my dog could read.

If my dog could read, she’d know how much I care for her because she could read the labels of the dog food I buy. No beef-and-chicken by-products for my girl, nosiree. I sometimes amuse myself by imagining I’m the dog, sitting patiently with a napkin tied around my neck, waiting for dinner, “Hmm, last night the quail was a little gamey, the sweet potatoes were cloying, and the raspberries were definitely past their prime, I hope he gets it right tonight.”

So there I was in the grocery store, reading the labels on the bags of dog food. It seems Eukanuba has gone to the wilds of New Zealand to shoot deer, grind them up with potatoes and ship them all the way to my dog’s bowl, here in Fraser, Colorado. Resist shouting, “Ho, Ho, Ho; I’m not making any of this up. Ground-Bambi-in-a-bag runs about two bucks a pound.

Eukanuba is also the maker of Adult Premium Performance Formula Dog Food. “Wow,” I thought, “who wouldn’t want to get premium performance out of their dog?” Of course, if your dog’s best trick is getting into the trash, maybe you should look for some Sub-Standard Performance Dog Food.

For all you vegetarians out there who will not eat anything that ever had a face, I’d like to point out to you that it is a proven fact that my basset hound will eat anything. No holds barred, no qualifications, no restrictions, I mean anything. Wherein lies the conundrum: If my dog will eat anything, why is it so hard to pick out something to feed her? There are too many choices and too much hyperbole. The truth is that pet food regulations are lax enough to let them get away with tossing in road kill and describing it as Choice Elk Medallions.

Look at Newman’s Own Organic Turkey and Brown Rice dog food. What does organic mean for dogs? I’ve seen some pretty doggone inorganic things slide down my dog’s gullet. Whatever it was may have been organic in the dim recess of the past but today is so far removed from anyone’s definition of edible.

Well, the stupid mutt can’t read, so I have to do it for her. Harmony Farms makes a Healthy and Holistic dog food, full of natural organic meats and wholesome sounding vegetables and blueberries described so tastily as to make both me and Rachael Ray drool. They do all this for a dollar-fifty per pound. Contrast that with Dogswell Happy Hips Chicken Breast Strips @ $19.12 per pound. That doesn’t make me drool; it makes me wonder about the ultimate success of the human race.

A good thing about Natural Life Adult Dog Food is that it contains Midwest-harvested, pesticide-free whole grains. The bad thing is that dogs can’t digest grains and they’re suspected in early deaths. On the other hand, Natural Life contains Glucosamine to lubricate their joints, helping them get around for all of their brief, but Natural Life.

All the exasperation of opening a bag or can is avoided if you serve your pets Beneful Healthy-Weight Prepared Meals. Just crack the lid and pop the 10-ounce serving of Roasted Turkey Medley in the microwave for a minute. It’s all the convenience you can afford at $3.14 a pound.

Nathan’s Famous Smoked Beef Hot Dog Treats are packaged in 4 Ounce Ziplock Bags, proudly proclaiming that these treats are wheat gluten free. Smaller print adds that they’re also $14.77 per pound. Something’s wrong here. Nathan’s Famous Hot Dogs for people are just under 5 bucks a pound and proudly proclaim wheat gluten as an ingredient.

I can just hear her now, “Quail, buffalo, turkey, salmon, lamb and venison. Every night it’s the same doggone thing over and over! I better go see if they left anything good in the trash.”

– All comments and criticisms are handled by my pet rat, Willard, at jdevos@fridayreport.com


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