Jon de Vos: ‘ZB’ is really a Chupacabra |

Jon de Vos: ‘ZB’ is really a Chupacabra

Jon de Vos/Friday Report
Grand County, CO Colorado

Now, I’m not one to foster any controversy, and heaven knows our county chambers of commerce don’t need any more, but I am forced to comment on recent activities of the Winter Park and the Fraser Valley Chamber of Commerce, unwitting tools of Satan that they have become.

They have yet to admit it but it is clear to those who know a little about it that the cute little creature they are promoting as their cuddly little fuzzy buddy called “ZB” is actually a Chupacabra. The Chupacabra is a real, bona fide, mythological beast, intensely studied by the biggest names among the world’s top cryptozoologists.

Disgusted by encroaching eco-tourists dumping loose change and guide books on their heads from overhead zip lines, along with the conversion of their natural habitat into swim-up bars and hotels, the Chupacabra first stomped out of the steaming jungles of Puerto Rico in the summer of 1975. Based upon an aggregate of several hundred native sightings, we know the monster first stood erect at about four feet with wings, glowing eyes and very long sharp fangs along with a rippling row of flexible spines down the back. Oh, yes, I almost forgot the Spawn of Satan part.

Rippling spines down the back. Of course. That’s why “ZB” is only shown from the front. The Chamber knows that a posterior view of their new mascot would tumble their whole house of cards.

The fangs, too, are a noteworthy feature. They alone, Puerto Rican officials claim, account for hundreds of slaughtered farm animals, all completely drained of blood and more gruesome yet, many were also drained of all their internal organs. Hence the name, El Chupacabra – Spanish for “Goat Sucker.”

Cryptozoologists study and catalog mountains of non-evidence in their search for animals that don’t exist. As a class, they call these animals Cryptids. Their non-existence, to the amateur, would seem to make them elusive and hard to find, but in reality, Cryptids will exist as long as the research grants keep coming in.

By 1995, some say, Chupacabra had eaten all the goats in Puerto Rico and began moving throughout the Caribbean, Chile, Central America, Mexico, Texas and Arizona, leaving shriveled goat carcasses in their wake, in a relentless march not unlike Colorado’s Pine Beetle. According to several first-hand accounts by people who were nowhere near the vicinity, in 1992 a state trooper captured a small herd, or perhaps it was a small flock, of Chupacabra just southeast of Bisbee, Ariz., but they were quickly picked up by men in dark blue suits and slicked-back hair, driving a squadron of black Suburbans with blocked-out windows. Nothing was ever heard about the incident again, except for 1998 fictionalized documentary titled The Legend of Chupacabra starring Kevin Sloan in a rubbery-looking suit eating his way through a poor but honest Mexican family’s flock of goats.

It was crummy American translations of the Puerto Rican eyewitness accounts, not evolution, that changed the Chupacabra from a humanoid biped into the coyote-like monster, running around on all fours that the Chamber is foisting upon the East Grand community today.

Demand the truth! End the coverup. “ZB” is a Chupacabra!

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