Rob Taylor: The ultimate sin " wearing white before Memorial Day or after Labor Day
If Guys Could Talk
No one saw it coming: Konnie Rask, Colorado’s former self-anointed fashion police chief, losing her way? Forget the election. This is THE story of 2008. Konnie Rask was sighted wearing white pants out of season.
UFOs, Bigfoot and Elvis. Now this.
The Smalltown, Neb. story broke just before Memorial Day 2008, but rumors – from her peeps in a past life – persist. Has she lost her mind? Is she downwind from a feedlot? And, worst of all: the accusation that she has become “a child of the corn.”
Not two years ago, before Nebraska, when she still trod the rocky soil, she was heralded as “Konnie The Vigilant” – the undisputed governess of mountain community styles, fads, etiquette, protocol and decorum. Throngs of fashion-challenged locals relied on Konnie to tongue-lash faux pas with:
“Step away from the clearance rack and try again.” (for wearing anything that reminded her of the circus)
“Don’t you look in the mirror before you walk out the door?” (for wearing a silver belt buckle with a gold necklace and watch)
“Just look at that poor ‘lil thing. Like a sheep without a shepherd …” (for wearing pink fingernail polish with a red shirt)
Nothing was more sacred than the “Off Season” ” from Memorial Day to Labor Day.
“Is that a cry for help?” she would say, hounding anyone who dared to traipse around in white shoes and pants before Memorial Day.
“But it’s after Easter,” they replied. Wearing white after Easter was en vogue. Their mommas told them so.
“Too much ‘Forrest Gump’, not enough Royal Family,” Konnie would mumble under her breath.
Thou shall not wear white before Memorial Day and after Labor Day. It’s the 1st Commandment of Women’s Fashion. Nature, herself, enforced the rule, slinging mud and slush at violators. And yet, brain-dead mothers pollute their offspring with the “Easter White Movement” pap. It toyed with Konnie’s sanity.
But that was before Nebraska. Before Carol Macy’s May 21, 2008 e-mail. It stated: “She (Konnie) wore white pants a lot already (this year) and it’s not Memorial Day yet…”
The email, after being verified for authenticity, shot through cyberspace with unprecedented speed. Phone calls and emails poured in from friends, family, acquaintances, fashion understudies – all asking the quintessential question: what happened?
“What can I say? Nebraska warped me,” Konnie replied, shrugging it off.
There’s more …
It’s not just the white pants. Last Thanksgiving, instead of ordering her pre-cooked, mail-order turkey dinner (which she did every year in Colorado), Konnie cooked.
“I … I … I don’t know what happened to me,” she says.
Neither do we … and her given name, ironically, is “Konstance.”
The $1 million question: Could it happen to you? One novice psychologist broke it down like this:
“Drastic changes occasionally elicit primal, deep-seated issues in the psyche, tapping a Pandora’s box of issues. The fact that Konnie is reminding friends to put the white shoes and pants away after Labor Day (this year) is promising: a sign that the ‘old Konnie’ is still in there. I fear, however, that she may revert to her most primitive state, unless she reacquaints herself soon with the familiar. In her case, that means returning to Colorado.”
Hear that, Konnie? Pack your bags, before it’s too late! People move from Nebraska to Colorado, not vice versa. Hello?!? Better get here by Thanksgiving or you might find yourself slaving in the kitchen again … wearing – heaven forbid – white pants.
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